Jared

You stole my Cubone everywhere.

2004-08-28T21:56:08Z

Jimminy oh man willamya. It's not even good to be a ranger, but it's good to BE Ranger. So, I know I haven't updated since two days ago, but a lot happened yesterday, I'll tell you all about it.

Yesterday I woke up at four in the morning to go to the airport and pick up a relative who lives in some foreign country or something, I think its Lithuania. Well we brought her to this house some odd kilos away in the middle of the hundred acre woods for some family reunion or something. We got there at like 7:00 to set up everything and this house was like blue on bear in barcelona. man this crib was huge. If I were to guess I would say some sort of Polish person lived here previously. So we went inside and this house was straight out of a bad 50's horror movie. The couches were covered in plastic wrap, the paintings had safes behind them, all the doors creaked, the butler was some old famous actor who only spoke japanese, you know the place. And we went to turn on a light, and I swear, just like in the movies, the light bulb came right out of the ceiling and an iron fell down and hit the butler. Then grandma Ester went to go open the back door and she stepped on a bunch of ornaments and burned her hand. Dumb old woman.

Well, back to the story, I was all alone at one point in this scary house and I walked upstairs to like the twelfth floor and it was a hallway straight down with 25 doors on each side and a painting inbetween each door. And it wouldn't be that weird except each painting was of me at different stages in life, except for one which was a painting of some three legged half dog half submarine. FGH. Well I asked my uncle Hogjeffrey where my room was, and he yelled at me for being so stupid, but the weird thing was he had a little girl's voice, and it wasn't my uncle it was my dad. So I asked the butler and he died. I was like what the hell, where's my room this is getting creepy as a toothache.

But then I heard a very old man singing "Splish Splash I was taking a bath" through one of the closed doors. There had to have been a hundred doors so I tried to guess. The first door I opened wasn't actually a door, it was the old guy singing. He was so bathing. He was the most eccentric man I'd ever seen in my life. He was 9 foot 4, brown hairs, blue eyes, with a green backback on his hunched back, dragon rimmed girl's glasses, a chef's hat, in a soapbox derby car chanting some animal prayer or something. As soon as he finished, all my fingernails turned into wheels and I had a fever. He dissapeared before I could ask him what he was thinking about, so I continued along this dark hallway. It seemed as if the hallway was getting thinner and thinner as I went, and then it seemed like i was walking on the ceiling, on the walls, and then I was riding a ladybug everywhere. I gave it directions and it took me there. I was like oh my god!

Mid story joke:
A stewartess, a lake, and a mime are all playing poker in a gay bar. The bartender comes up to the stewartess and asks her if he could be any assistance to her. The stewartess said "Anything?" and the bartender replied "Yes, anything." Hesitant, the stewartess wished for a hundred candles, one for each dollar she had in her pocket right now! "You have no dollars in your pocket," said the bartender. "I know, exactly give them to me for the wish's sake." So the stewartess had a hundred dollars a hundred candles and was looking happy as ever. Tenm inutes later, the bartender walks up to the lake and asks if he can be of any assistance. "Anything I want?" the lake asked. "Yes, anything at all." The lake thought for a while and then finally decided. The lake wished for a clock, a boot, tickets to a youth swim meet, a manatee, and Jeff Bridges, "You drive a hard bargain," said the bartender, "but your wish is granted." Soon enough the lake was as happy as can be, like he had just gotten back from the potty. About twenty minutes later, the bartender walked up to the mime and asked if he could be of any assistance to him. The mime replied, "Anything at all?" "Yes, anything in the world." So the mime thought and thought and thought, until finally he knew exactly what he wanted. He told the bartender that he has always wanted this chance and he was going to cherish it. "I wish that..." Suddenly the mime ripped off his mime costume and HE WAS A DETECTIVE. The bartender tried to run, but the detective slit open his hamstring with a bowie knife. Crying, the bartender said, "What Did I do!??" Smugly, the detective mime replied, "You know exactly what you did." The bartender was then sentenced to death bu hand grenade and the detective mime lived happily ever after with the lake.
(to get the joke you have to understand that granting wishes to mimes is so illegal)

.....I was like oh my god! Ladybugs can't hear people! so I stabbed the lady bug in the head with an axepolegun. The ladybug wasn't Liz Phair so I was alright. Struck with Jaundice, I ran as fast as I could downstairs, but to my dismay all of my relatives were gargoyle leech mummies. They all had bad gumlines and even badder (sadder) attitude. It was my job to get rid of these leech mummies in order to save the human race from leech mummies. I had remembered reading a book about gargoyle leech mummies once, but it had been so long ago, maybe third grade. So I thought and thought, which was hard considering I was being chased by over three thousand leech mummies with really nice axepoleguns. One leech mummy lunged his axepolegun right towards me and I screamed as the axe went into my....

....and I screamed as the axe went into my... another leech mummy! As I knew these leech mummies meant business, I ran up to the TOP floor of the house...the 75th floor. This floor was so bad that even Geoffrey, the giraffe from Toys r Us, died of old age. So all the leech mummies followed me into the floor, so I knew my plan was working perfectly. As they ran towards me, I called upon my flying giant ladybug pal! Before I knew it, the mummies stopped, waiting for something to happen. It was one vs three thousand. But I knew that with my ladybug and my anger, I could take on any number of gargoyle leech mummies. But I soon remembered that I had killed the ladybug out of fear. I REMEMBERED! I remebered the book I had read about gargoyle leech mummies! From the bottom of my inner brain lobe I recalled the Latin incantation: "Isoclatus iraddicumque enstegi verio cum furde." Which means: "Gargoyle Leech Mummies".

As all five thousand leech mummies lunged towards me with their giant axepoleguns, I had an epiphany. I raised my hand and said "I DONT BELIEVE IN VIOLENCE." The mummies, on the other hand, did. With three seconds left to live, I thought of the best plan ever. I remembered that I was very talented in ventriloquism, and I could throw my voice. So I made it sound like I was downstairs on the first floor and said, "I am on the first floor you dumb leech mummies!" But I was in clear sight of the mummies and they are deaf anyway, so I was ready for battle. One at time I blew fire from my mouth and lit the mummies into inferno, burning their desiduous bodies into piles of gargoyle leech mummy stew. After killing 2500 mummies, I heard my dad from inside one of the mummy costumes.

He was calling out at me to help him out of the mummy's body, he said all I had to do was say these three words: "No More Mummies!" But I didn't believe him, I mean he was a mummy. So I shot him with a gun that shoots fire and blades. I finally defeated them all. By now it was about 10:30, and I was sure hungry. So I drove over to Jack in the Box to get a sourdough jack burger, but all the people working there were GARGOYLE LEECH MUMMY DINOSAURS! I was so scared that I peed all over a dad. Luckily it was gargoyle leech mummy dinosaur day at work, so I left. As I was driving home, there were no houses in sight, everything was burnt down, everyone's sister was dissapearing, and I was scared out my tootkins. To try to end the pain, I went home and went to bed.

I woke up the next day (today) without any scars from battle, and I thought to myself, whew, it was all just a dream. But hen I flipped over in bed and there was a GIANT DEAD LADYBUG lying next me. DAAAAD, I yelled, but there was no answer. I guess the whole world really did come into the control of evil yesterday. I flipped on the tele, but all the channels were in mummy language, except for one channel, but this show Eat Bulaga was on. So I went back to bed and dreamt about a world where mummies made my bed and drove airplanes that were so easy to fly in.

That's the end of the story. Isn't that weird, all that stuff happened to me in one day. Sorry I didn't talk about random weird stuff this entry, but I actually wanted to follow the trend and ACTUALLY talk about what happened in my day. I guess it's not nearly as interesting as me making stuff up. Oh well. That's my life and everything. I'll make another entry the next time something slightly interesting happens in my life (hopefully more interesting than this everyday story). Bye bye.

-Aaaaaaah Real Mobsters.

Pretty Boy McHairHair

2004-02-19T04:26:38Z

Whoaaaaa! I'm baaaaack! Did you think I was a sheep? I said baaaaack... like baaaa. Don't be silly! Wakeboarding is a crime. Well I haven't updated this bad boy in over a year, and you know what that means! So I'm going to update it now, but don't get your hopes up. I'm still over 8. Don't "Roger!" me. I'm not a child anymore. Well anyway, if I were to attempt to recap everything that has happened to me in the past six years, I would surely explode. Surely Burly. So instead, I shall recap my entire life in eight words. Ripped open harp player, Stuck together chip thief. Told ya so.

So how have you all been. Or in your case: Plow calf true small spin. Rhyme me! Lippety Lappety WOO! So one of the highlights of my near future was when I became a navigating college teacher. Now I am a master of airborne navigation. they taught me this little anagram to help me remember my navigation skills. SWEN, which in stupid people terms is: South West East North. Don't try to figure it out, you'll confuse yourself. Remember, I'm a navigating master. He also taught me another one; BO3. It's Brake On 3.

Well now that I've got that out of my system, I have a little game for all you lucky boys and girls in the Purgorate region of Alabama, the name game!

Round 1: Steve

Round 2: Gary

Round 3: Willis

Round 4: Chapper

I won.

So now that that's over..wait what? You want to play again!? Okay.

Just kidding! That would be silly, you already know all of the answers. I created an anagram to help me remember the answers. SWEN. Well then, I seem to be all out of yell juice, so give me a lift to hooper town. I shall write a story...in rhyme.

Thrice upon a time, in a place called Jubilee, lived a monk named Fred the monk, he loved to play chess with himself on his really high top bunk. But one fine day, when he was in check, he had a sense of shock, and fell off of his top bunk into a can of chalk. He woke up in a town of frogs and knew not how to croak, when the king of all the frog people rose to him and spoke. "Fred!" he said "Why are you dead, you have some red lead in your head!" And Fred stood up and did a flip and landed back in bed. "Whew," he sighed, what a nightmare, I think I'll go to sleep, but when he awoke, he was a frog, and all the frog people were sheep. Just across the road from the land of frog people lambs, lived a house full of yams and spams and trams and hams, rams. But beside these things was a man of love, a man of pure silver gold, his name was Cloopstoyer The Happy Fun Man Who Happens To Be Very Old. To save some time, and maybe some money, we'll call him Cloopy for short, but that doesn't mean I want to see you slacking off and buying things in court. Cloopy, Cloopy, you are my friend, I hate you, I really, really do dislike you very much too. Cloopy can you help this nice old lady across the interstate, because if you don't she'll surely fly away onto my dinner plate. After Cloopy realized that this was not his game, he took a trip to mars, and they played a dancing game and then all died the end.

Well I hope you enjoyed this generously provided addition to Eplekerfoi Press. Whimsical, but not Chinsical.

Sizzling Combbrows.

2003-12-21T07:40:38Z

Because of numerous complaints from people whom I could really care less about their opinions, I have deleted the previous post that was here and replaced it with a series of random antecdotes.

Ahem. Well it's Christmas time, and guess what time it is! 11:14 P.M. I saved you the trouble of guessing. You would have gotten it wrong anyway, and don't lie to me. The last time I asked you to guess you got us into P.O.W. camp. You guessed that we get drafted and shot four times directly below the liver, slightly obstructing our bile production, but not creating any fatal harm. And you guessed that just before we were captured by seventeen soldiers on the enemy forces, we would slip in mud and ruin our brand new silver disco khakis. And that at P.O.W. camp we got in trouble trying to get those disco pants back from the guards so we could boogie the night away. And when we were to get into the third verse of 'stayin' alive', we would get attacked by three Shetland Sheepdogs named Raspy, Tickles, and Gunman. And that when we got out of camp, you just happened to guess that our credit card would not only be declined but the activation for a bomb to destroy the hoop of metal that we left all of our money in. So now we are left moneyless, houseless, chairless, and all because of your stupid guesses, Roger. I'm going home, Nancy. Why don't you guess yourself some not ugly.

There are no pain receptors in England. Go ahead, test it. No one feels pain in England, ever. Haven't you always wondered why their flutes were made of plastic? Cause I have. Basket weaving is only an excuse for big men to show some tenderness towards the elderly. If dogs have no noses, how can they smell heat?

Well my drama stuff is over, and I am counting the hamburgers until the next drama extravaganza, but according to a certain friend of mine, whose name shall remain unPalmered, my desire to do another play has been annihilated. And not just broken, but torn apart, defiled, buried, and lit on fire, all at the same time, by one quote that would be too vulgar, too sick even for Schoolhouse Rock. Conjunction junction, what's your junction? More like disgusting.

Apparently milk doesn't evaporate. Sorry Pedro, I guess you'll have to find work somewhere else. That nanny farm just isn't working out for you. Tom Seleck is the man who we all wrap presents for in the springtime, forgetting that his birthday is in August. Tom Seleck is a hero, Tom Seleck is a brave man. Tom Seleck is "The Rabbi". Coming this november to august. Brains don't come in baggies. That would be inhumane. But you can transport cheetos in a baggy any day of the week without anyone lifting a finger. You don't believe me? Ask Mr. 32! 32 Go ahead. Ask him. He told you to fire your secretary, she's sleeping with another fern. You want me to ask him to leave. Um, Mr. 32 can you leave please? Wow that was awkward.

I'm going to Kansas tomorrow for seven days. Yes go ahead, laugh it up. Yea I know, what could I possibly do in Kansas for seven days. But you'd be surprised. If you covered one square mile of uninhabitated farm land every day, and overall you covered seven square miles of unihabitated farmland, seeing six tumbleweeds and one calendar a day. That's a whole agenda for you. And that's not even counting bathroom breaks. So next time someone asks you "What will you be doing in Kansas for seven days?" You can answer them honestly saying: "Having a blast." Who said Kansas was boring. That one movie gave it a bad wrap. There actually aren't really witches in Kansas. Most of the people are actually quite nice. Hollywood made up the whole witch thing for marketing purposes. Actually there isn't even a West in Kansas. So, they just completely stretched the truth.

I was going to repeat word for word the last paragraph I just wrote, but I figured that would be cheating. When they told me six hours a day, I did not think they meant it. I got a new job ya know, working the gallows at Taco Bell. Being a burrito maker is a tough job these days. Lots of obstacles to get through for my $2.50 a day. I kept a journal of my days working there, like a captains log.

Babysitter's Log Day 1:
Oh man, I got in today, and Drew got a new stapler for his office. He said his old one was too rusty. We're having a major burrito budget crisis and he's out buying new office supplies. He's a jerk. I didn't like him from day 1. It is day 1. I don't like him. He asked me to stop hitting the customers with an umbrella. He doesn't own me. I spit in a customer's burrito. I was chewing on rat poison tablets. The customer died. I'm a good cashier. I made $2.50 today. They said minimum wage only applied to people who didn't suck at their job. Oh well, I'll buy myself a new stapler and rub it in Randy's face. I hate that Bruce.

Coal Miner's Log Day 2:
It's dollar taco day and the lines are around the corner. Everyones stockpiling into the store to get their eight burritos. People sicken me. Darell took away my umbrella. He's such a jerk. I put a waffle in someone's burrito, and they didn't even notice. It was hilarious. After around 4:00 PM the crowds started lightening up. People appaently are too good to eat lunch past 3:00 PM. People are such losers. Just come in and buy a burrito, but who bothers to thank the person taking their own time to make the burrito, not many people, that's how many. So the next time anyone gets a whole rutabega in their taco, they know why. Just for once, slip me a dollar bill, maybe even a quarter. I'm filming you.

Blacksmith's Log Day 3:
Ronald got a promotion today. He got head cook. Son of a gun thinks he can waltz in and take the position that I so deserve. He's only been here for three months and he already thinks he owns the place. Some people just shouldn't be allowed to step foot into a taco shop. Del Taco's new 89 cent taco deal shot us out the window. They are getting more business than they ever have, and their new slogan is so much better than ours. "Tacos taste good when you eat them" is pretty bad I think, I suggested "Taco spelled backwards is ocat. O Cat, will you get me a taco." Stupid conglomerates. Think they own the world.

Tap Dancer's Log Day 4:
Well I got fired today. I put a loaded gun in someone's chalupa. They didn't get shot, but I guess near death experiences was one of their buttons. Well I took my $9.00 for the week and I went out and bought myself a brand new pair of eyeglasses. I have perfect vision and I can't read, but I like plastic mixed with glass. It always reminded me of music. I love music.

Well that's all we have for today. If you stay up past 2:00 A.M., Santa won't give you any presents. And by that I mean that your house will get burglarized and burned down. Fun! Good night little kiddies. If ya wanna be a rock star, just keep dreaming. Or at least that's what Casper the Friendly Taxidermist says. Follow your nose!

Whistling Yachts

2003-12-16T05:28:46Z

Hey there littluns, long time no see! Ya wanna know why I haven't been updating my live journal at all lately!? Because the the 'e' button on my keyboard has been broken, and my password had an 'e' in it. That was a blatant lie. I'm sorry. I don't know why I haven't been posting this junk more often. Must be the rainstorms.

This little piggy went to the market. This little piggy went to the bank. This little piggy went to grade school. This little piggy had a conjoined twin, and this little piggy was not a pig at all, but merely a figment of every young boy's imagination. Wouldn't it be embarassing if you were doing that to a little kid, like the right way, and he only had four toes, and you were like OH MY GOD. And it would spoil the punchline.

Okay, well a lot has gone on in these past weeks. Some stuff happened on friday, and saturday was a niddle day. Shall I tell another story about what a niddle day is? I didn't think so. Well, I had an early Christmas kind of. Cause I'm gonna be gona for all the Christmas fiascoes. So my mom's side of the family exchanged gifts this past friday. I got a bunch of cool stuff. But if I told you what it was, I would have to give it to you. And I'm not falling for that one again. Cleveland Hatstopper my eye. Apparently opaque is not a crayon color, that was thirty minutes in time-out, whew.

Today, I got to miss all of school, yea that's right, ALL of school. My scene in drama apparently isn't terrible, so we went to all the elementary schools to see it. I might have seen you there Mr. Lincoln. In fact, I'm pretty sure that elementary school kids can't put on laser rock shows. Plus, I don't know a single little kid who can recite the script to every episode of Three's Company without taking a breath. Psycho.

This next joke will be in binary code:
1011001011010110110101010101011010101010101001010101010101001100110
The punchline will be in english:
and then Roger said: "Igloo breath? Don't you mean solar powered ribs!"

For those of you non binary readers, you missed a REALLY funny joke. A wise man once said: "If on monday you go to school, and everyone makes fun of you, remain a nice person and go back on tuesday. If on tuesday you go to school, and all the kids make fun of you and throw you in a dumpster, stay nice and go back the next day. If on wednesday, all the kids make fun of you, throw you in the trash, eat your lunch, and steal your pants, remain a nice person, and go to school the next day. If on thursday, all the kids make fun of you, throw you in a dumpster, eat your lunch, steal your pants, eat your homework, kick you in the face, and shave off all of your hair, remain nice and go back the next day. If on friday you go to school, and all the kids make fun of you, throw you in the dumpster, eat your lunch, steal your pants, eat your homework, kick your face, shave off all your hair, burn your house down, kill your parents, give you the plague, and cut off all of your limbs, then that's crossing the line. If this occurs, animorph into a beetle and use your massive beetle pincers to bite them. It may not hurt, but it will leave a little red mark, and then everyone will make fun of them for having a red mark. Losers."

These are the guidelines to be a great door-to-door salesman:
1. Never knock on the door with a prosthetic leg.
2. Be patient, even if the salesee has closed the box, they will return.
3. Never ask to use the restroom, because some people have monsters in their outhouses.
4. If there is a car that says 'No Solicitors', it's just a joke, knock anyway.
5. Repeat steps 3-4.
6. If no one is home, order pizza to their cabin, they will come.
7. If they aren't buying anything, casually pull out some provalone cheese and start make a cheese egg roll in front of them. Cheese makes people buy.
8. If they are not impressed by your product, freeze time, go into their house and take something from their house that says "Our favorite thing" on it, then unfreeze time (Make sure you are back outside) and offer them the shelf you have taken from their house.
9. If they do not want it, tell them that if they buy it, they can have a stuffed replica of themselves for free (Be sure to be carrying stuffed replicas of everyone).
10. If all else fails, take off your pants and do a dance. A dance that will make the person at the door say "Dancing makes me soapy!"

I have a mad lib for you guys:

Nine O'Clock!? Time to go to _________. <----------- The word in the dictionary between Elf and Stab.

If you did not get that joke, you should read the warning label on your mattress. It holds all answers.

This next segment will be a subliminal message.
Okay, I spent like ten minutes making this awesome little text picture a spelled out word, and it left the spaces out. Dirty, dirty chimps. So as a sick remembrance to my doings, I will leave the garbled text there and then retype the word that it was going to spell immediately afterwards. It is a little harder to figure out, but it is sufficient.

Hello-how-are you?-I'm-fine thank-you.Maine Is-the-land-of Lover-and
l o s e r s o f
e e v e r y s t
a a p l e m a a
r k e v er .Well I sure a m g
e tting-bored-a r en' t y o
o u ? O h-wait-you' r e n
o m a k i n g t h
is-jus t r e a ding-it.You-ar e-a-loser

JARED

For those of you who do no want to take the time to figure out what the subliminal message is, it's 'JARED'.

Fish are NOT people. They are cats. Cats are the lowest form of fish, and cats are not people. People are hats. Do not get hat and cat confused solely because they are words of rhyme. If everyone got rhyming words mixed up, then the world would be a riot. Imagine this next scenario happening in YOUR world.

Rodney: "Hey Bob, do you wan't to go the park?"
Bob: "Lo thanks."

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Bob meant to say NO THANKS! But Rodney had NO idea. Now they aren't friends anymore. And they both were responsible for every war. The lesson learned is. DOn't mess up your words of rhyme, the are just that important.

So until next time on The Jared Experiment, don't go making clay chins without parental supervision. And a one and a two and a one, two, Frumpet.

Next stop, the World of Igloos!

2003-12-08T01:56:20Z

ridiculous

\Ri*dic"u*lous\, a. [L. ridiculosus, ridiculus, fr. ridere to laigh. Cf. Risible.] 1. Fitted to excite ridicule; absurd and laughable; unworthy of serious consideration; as, a ridiculous dress or behavior.
Agricola, discerning that those little targets and unwieldy glaives ill pointed would soon become ridiculous against the thrust and close, commanded three Batavian cohorts . . . to draw up and come to handy strokes. --Milton.

If I didn't understand, that example would NOT have helped. Stupid dictionaries.

Yea, someone told me that if I looked up ridiculous in the dictionary, my picture would be there. It was. Odd. My picture was also next to 'ostrich' and 'fillopian'. I expected those. The time has come! Yes that's right! Random movie quote time!

"Cecil: Rodney, I never knew that you had the guts to love another bear.
Rodney: But I did Cecil, I was the one who buried your golf clubs on that gruesome night.
Cecil: I am Pig!
Rodney: Hear me roar!
Trish: Woop woop woop woop."

Name that flick!

Nope, it was Pirates of the Caribbean.

I caught Santa yesterday. He fell into my fireplace. Said he was practicing for Christmas. I never knew Santa was a no-eyed Russian man, with crabs as ears. It was all right though, he stole my TV. That may sound bad. But that TV was mean. It always fought with me, called me "poopmeister". He got what was coming to him. As for Svanelek Clause, no one ever saw him again. They wrote a story about him in my head. Or I did.

Staple staple, tie my clown,
Give me number six.
For when I find you upside down,
Play the German sticks.

My weekend was SO good. By good I mean, bad, and by bad I mean good. And every double negative shall cancel out and just become negative, while every double positive shall be rendered unnecessary. Friday was the best day, because, I don't remember, just trust me. Cause saturday and Sunday were both niddle days. What? You don't know what a niddle day is!? Well then! I shall inform you! A niddle day is one of those days where, well, let me give you an example first as to further help your understand of what a niddle day is!

Back in 1994, there was a little boy named Silly Stanley. Now he wasn't named Silly Stanley because he was mean, or because he was naughty, but because he was oh so very silly. So silly in fact that he was once called the silliest silly billy in silly billy town. But his name was not Billy, but rather Stanley. So one day in kindergarten, Silly Stanley came to school, and he went to put his lunch pail in his cubbie, but to Silly Stanley's surprise, there was no cubbie, but there was a large man with red whiskers and a toupee. Now, Silly Stanley had never seen a rooster before, but because of his reputation of being Silly Stanley, he remained unphased. Silly Stanley said to the strange man "Where is my cubbie?" The man replied by saying "Haven't you ever been to the Gravy State, son?". Then he disappeared. Now Stanley hadn't ever seen anyone disappear, except for the time when he thought he caught the Trix bunny, but he had some stuff up his sleeve, darn bunny. Well Stanley realized that it was Saturday, and that on saturday his school turned into a post office/graveyard/bowling alley. So Silly Stanlet went home. That wasn't really part of my explanation of what a niddle day is, but rather to build character. So Silly Stanley grew up and he lived his life day by day, hour by hour. He had so many friends, because people like Silly people. But Silly Stanley always felt a void in his life, because all he ever wanted was a puppy. And not a puppy, but a goat. So he searched town for a goat shop, but there was never one to be found. Then Silly Stanley figured it would be more reasonable to search for a pet shop or a pottery barn rather than to search for a shop that sells only goats. To Silly Stanley's surprise, as soon as he said that, a goat shop and a pet shop appeared right before his eyes. Silly Stanley had to make a big decision now. Go to the shop where he was sure to find a goat, or to go to the pet shop where he may have found a goat. In lou of having too much confusion, Silly Stanley walked home and cried. Christmas was just around the corner, so Silly Stanley was going to ask his parents for that goat puppy that he had always wanted. Luckily, Silly Stanley realized he had no parents, so he went home to his lonesome. Silly Stanley wasn't so Silly as we thought he was. So the next day he went to school, it had been a sunday the day befoire in case you were wondering why he was goat shopping instead of going to school. And since Silly Stanley was in the 10th grade, he was good at math. So when the teacher said, if you have five goats, and i kill all them, how many goats does Silly Stanley not have. Silly Stanley said five. He was Silly. A new girl was at school that day. Her name was Wacky Wanda. She was the prettiest girl at the school, and Silly Stanley had his eye set on her. Silly Stanley had three classes with Wacky Wanda, so he knew he would have the chance to get to know her. So in second period, he sat down next to Wacky Wanda. And let me tell you, when there's a pretty girl sitting next to you, you can't help but be nervous. At least that's how Silly Stanley felt. "Hey Wacky Wanda, how are you doing today?" he said. Wacky Wanda smiled and looked at him and said "Well, I'm doing just great, I'm so glad you asked." Silly Stanley hesitantly turned to her and said, "Hey, Wacky Wanda, the January Jubilee School Dance is coming up soon, and I was wondering if you wanted to go with me?" Silly Stanley choked. He realized he just imagined himself saying that, and he actually said: "Hey, Wacky Wanda, the January Jubilee School Dance is coming up, and I was wondering if you owned a dinosaur." Luckily, Wacky Wanda loved dinosaurs. She said "No, I don't, but I wish I did, because they are cool. But I would like to go to that dance with you." Silly Stanley was so happy that he could have turned down puddin' pie. Yes he was that happy. So Silly Stanley, and Wacky Wanda started going steady. And yes, they were a happy couple. Since it was only early december, one day Wacky Wanda turned to Silly Stanley in the airport and said "Silly Stanley, what do you want for Christmas." Well Silly Stanley knew that all he ever wanted was a goat. So he said "Well, Wacky Wanda, I wouuldn't just spending Christmas with you by the pond, but I've always wanted a puppy. But I actually don't want a puppy, I wan't a goat." Wacky Wanda smiled and said "Then okay, I'll get you a goat puppy." Stanley did one of those things that you do if you're really happy, and you are talking to a real pretty girl. He was ecstatic. Finally, my own goat puppy! Noodles! So Silly Stanley went shopping for Wacky Wanda, to find her the perfect gift in return for her goat puppy. He went to the ice cream shop, a no-go, the pottery barn, no way man, the kite shop, no siree, but finally he stumbled upon the perfect shop. It was titled "The Silly, Wacky World of Fun". Silly Stanley had read a review about it in the paper saying that it was not just silly, not just wacky, but silly and wacky, and a little crazy. The review also said not to try the Whip Cows. Just trust me. So Silly Stanley went into this shop, and little did he know, that it was actually a place where the teens go to be with their special friends. Silly Stanley was very enraged, he wanted something super special. So he took out his measuring stick, and measured his way to the car. It was 9 feet. While he was measuring, he caught sight of Wacky Wanda. She was all alone in a big truck. Silly Stanley shouted, "Wacky Wanda, how did you know I was going to be here!?" Suddenly a large ape-looking man appeared in the truck too. At first Stanley did not understand, but after a few moments of contemplating, he realized what was going on. "Well fine, Wacky Wanda, I guess you don't want to know what I got you for Christmas. So Silly Stanley went back to school on monday. Whenever he saw Wacky Wanda, he acted angry, and mean, but he was truly crushed inside and loved no one as much as Wacky Wanda. So he had a new mission; to win Wacky Wanda back! So he knew what he had to do, become the most irresistable person on this side of the Mississip'. So he went to work. He got a brand new leather jacket, some new shoes, cool sunglasses, a nice car, and a brand new attitude. Soon after all the girls in school fell in love with the new Silly Stanley, he was irresistable. Soon, Wacky Wanda became very jealous, and realized what a big mistake it was to cheat on Silly Stanley with that ape-looking man on that oh-so fateful night. Wacky Wanda came to Silly Stanley and asked for his forgiveness, and offered him bread and teeth. Silly Stanley turned to her, with his cool attire and his new cool attitude, and said, "Why should I date you, Wacky Wanda, when I could any girl in the whole school now, I'm cool now." Wacky Wanda was very sad, and did not what she could do. So she started her journey to win Silly Stanley back. Little did she know, they were bothing doing the same thing. So Wacky Wanda went to the store and got a brand new pair of shoes, some cool earrings, a nice watch, a cool skirt, and a whole new personality, a cool one. So that next monday, when silly Stanley and Wacky Wanda met in second period, they were both so cool that a man came to them and said, you guys are so cool. They both said: "Yes, yes we are." After about a week of this, Silly Stanley could bear Wacky Wanda's coolness and prettiness no longer. So he came to her and said: "Wacky Wanda, would you like to get back together, and be the coolest couple in all of high school?" "Why yes I do," said Wacky Wanda. So they got back together, but little did Wacky Wanda know, Silly Stanley had something brewing in his sleeve. He really wanted to break the news to her, btu he waited until the dance that week. It was the biggest dance of the year, the June Jamboree. They both had great outfits, the coolest outfits anyone had ever seen. Wacky Wanda and Silly Stanley were the coolest couple in high school and everyone knew they would be the king and queen of the dance. It was obvious. Silly Stanley and Wacky Wanda were riding in their limosuine when Silly Stanley took out a small box. He kneeled down in front of Wacky Wanda and said, "Wacky Wanda, will you break up with me?" Wacky Wanda was enthralled with happiness, she had not heard what he said, and was screaming yes, yes, yes I would. Silly Stanley repeated himself: "I'm breaking up with you Wacky Wanda, get out of my limo." So Silly Stanley kicked Wacky Wanda out of the limo saying, "That's what you get for cheating on me that one fateful night, have fun trying to find a ride home." So Silly Stanley proceeded to go to the school dance, the June Jamboree. When he arrived, everyone realized how cool he looked, but then wondered where Wacky Wanda was. "Where's Wacky Wanda?" one person asked. Silly Stanley told them all the news, and Stanley, being the cooler of the two, was the new hit at the party. All the girls were asking him to dance, knowing they would be queen if he picked them. But he denied them all, seemingly having something planned. When it came time for all the couples entering for king and queen to step onto the dance floor, Silly Stanley went behind a tent. No one knew where he went. About halfway through that song, he came back the prettiest goat you've ever seen. Se they danced they night away. Silly Stanley and the goat puppy had the coolest dance moves you've ever seen. They were chosen king and queen and were the happiest of man-goat relationships. Until one day, Silly Stanley stumbled upon that "Silly, Wacky World of Fun" yet again. He went in to see if it was still a place for love-crazed teens to hold hands. It was. To his surprise, he saw Wacky Wanda there again. He didn't care at all, he had no more feelings for her. She seemed to be all alone again, so Silly Stanley figured that it was that ape-looking man again. Suddenly, Silly Stanley's goat popped up from under the seat. Silly Stanley had lost his only friends. He went to school the next day and all the styles had changed. He was no longer the coolest kid in school. In fact he was the most uncool kid at school. So he went through high school as a loser, and never forgot the day he dumped Wacky Wanda.

That's a niddle day.

Staple staple tie my clown,
Give me number six.
Time to fly the spoon on down,
To planet Get-your-kicks.

Well that's about all we have for today on another edition of Jared's World. I'm sorry this one was not very funny. Go cry about it. Oh, and when I said cleanup on aisle four, I was making fun of your receding hair-line you astronaut hater.

-Jared the Guru

Herbert the Abbelfrabbian Mongoose

2003-12-04T05:59:49Z

Oh hello. I didn't see you there. Well how are you? Bad? Good. My name is Jared McCammon, and I thought of the perfect way to start off this session. I'll tell you a joke! Okay here we go: Four guys walk into a bar. One of them is assigned number one, one is number two, one number three, and one is number four, in any order you wish. Well, three pulls out a knife and kills two. And one says "Oh my God why did you do that?". Three says, I'm sorry he was giving me a DIRTy look. And one says: "Three, you always were the rotten apPULL in the bunch". So Four is getting scared and he turns into five. Confused, three kills himself. One says "How did you do that?". And Five says "Oh ya know, there may have been three stooges, three bears, three little pigs, and three babies, but there were five if you were to add two more."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA

If you ever tired of reading these super cool entries, just translate them into Sub-Archaic, it'll give you something to do. Look I've already started for you.

Yccheren flakmor der chuckmuck willstopperhmblag.
I said: Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water. Jack fell down and broke his crown, and Jill turned into a flesh eating sheep monster.

You know what I never understood? Well, you see people eating chicken, turkey, duck, lamb, cow, pig, maybe even dog or horse or alligator, but how come you never see someone eating that kid from the little rascals who looks like a Russian exchange student. He always bugged me.

Okay so on to my day. Well I woke up. I know like five of you just said "yeah that was the problem" under their breath. I slay you for your unoriginality. Get some new material. You smell bad. So I went to school, and I had fun making fun of penguins for being a little too, ya know, skanky.. Thos penguins get around. And then I went to Idaho. They all lied. The potatoes can NOT walk. They just like crawl around, and it's so annoying. I lit one on fire, and it wouldn't stop whining. God Idaho was so lame. Then I got back like at 4:30 and I started building the Aztec ruins. Well after that it was like 4:30, and I had to go to some stuff, I forgot. It probably wasn't much fun. Oh yea I got shot today. Finally I can join the gang. It's been way too long! I read in the LA Times today that they are banning drugs from nurseries. That's just messed up.

Professor William, for his college course, had a timed ripening. He had 3 hours to plant, grow, and ripen a flock of barracuda. After two and a half hours, he died of old age. "Funny how time flies when you're barracuda farming." -Regis Philbin.

If you don't know who I am here's a little about me. Wait, if you don't know who I am, how do you know me? I wonder if you can shave a cactus. A lot of this is gonna be serious, cause I'm way too random. I was born in Washington. No, not the international fast food restaurant chain, the state. When I was a wee one, I moved to a small town called Utah, yeah that's right, there are no humans in Utah. At some age, I moved here to California, and ever since then, no one knows who I am.

That was just a little history to clear up the rumor spreading around that I wasn't actually born, rather that I was spawned at the age of 13. All lies.

Well this is getting a little lengthy, so I'm gonna go back and delete some stuff that really just isn't funny or entertaining at all. For all of you that said "Then why is there still a post" I swear I'm going to run to your house and maul you. You're just not good at being original. Just stop trying. Wow I deleted a lot. That explains the staple marks. Yes you see them.

Tonight I'm not going to write a song. I'm too lazy. I'll write some haikus though. I bid you good day Mr. Tickles. Don't stay up too late you kidder.

Red Clock, Blue Clock, Hey.
Clocks have feelings too ya know.
Clocks on the prairie.

Yea Yea Oh Yea Yea.
Uh huh, yea, you know it man.
You look like stupid.

Curiosity.
Invulnerability.
Refridgerator.

She has lots of sick.
No one likes her very much.
She smells like not good.

This one is in a different language:

Humbruc ni Albo.
Ellaferoo Ni clackums.
Splan splan splan splan splan.

haha lol
gtg o nvm
u r dum j/k

This one time I went
to a court and the judge was
a Pterodactyl.

The biggest lemur
Is the one with the most teeth.
Cause his mouth is big.

I am bad at life.
If life were class, I would fail.
Good thing I am shoe.

Hi guy! Buy my thigh!
Why I try? My sky lie high.
Bye bye shy fry guy.

Every sylabble
In that poem was rhyming.
Ain't that a big trip?

Haikus are stupid.
They got a D in P.E.
What an idiot.

Goodbye my good friends.
Don't stay up too late, kiddo.
You might get pink-eye.

Whoaaa!

2003-12-02T06:29:20Z

Hey kiddies, it's a beautiful night out tonight! Wazooie! Can you imagine if stars were professional ice skaters? There would be so many professional ice skaters it would be insane! Wow. Life sure is super cool! Except when you turn your back, and it steals your only friend and uses a potato peeler to get him to talk about the time you cremated a wildebeest and used its ashes to trick Montgomery Sycamore to sell you his finest ballpoint pen. Damn life. Rub a dub dub, a waffle in a tub, hand me my breathalyzer you animal.

On to more important things!

I love writing about my day, because you are reading it and you are like: Wow this is the most boring thing I've ever read in my life. Then you realize you don't even know me. Then you realize you are naked and standing at the counter in a bakery. You perv. My life is like a can of creamed corn. It goes good with mashed potatoes. Well to start

Today, it was monday, so I was like, cancel my optometrist, I'm going to school! And I went to school wondering what COULD have happened. School is pretty boring. Most of my slaves have died, and those leftover are very sick. I was compared to a panda today. It is quite detoriorating to ones self image, until I realized I was eating bamboo, and I was in a panda suit. At the zoo. In the panda exhibit. I love cherries.

I get off track so easily. Dirty conglomerates. Alright, well the highlight of my day was when I was walking along the sidewalk and I found a quarter. I was SO happy. Then I realized it was just a shiny piece of metal. It was actually a bike rack. I was happy anyway.

Christmas is just around the corner. Maybe I'll give you a list of what I want for Christmas in song form!

Jingle Bells, Sleighs and deer, getting lots of toys,
I love Christmas, cause it rocks for all the girls and boys!
Eating cake, having fun, and playing in the snow,
Christmas is so awesome, cause Santa says ho ho.
I'm at the mall, it's really nice, and I'm waiting in line,
To sit on jolly old Saint Nick's very large behind.
Ooh I'm next, here we go, I've been practicing for weeks,
I know just what I want, from Furbies to Mystiques.
Merry Christmas you vagabond, now let me sit on you,
Cause I've got about 4000 toys to ramble right through.
Are you ready, you fat red man, cause you seem kind of drunk,
I hope you are prepared to purchase all this junk.

Oooooooooooh I want a...(Big deep breath)
Candy cane, a G.I. Jane, a tractor crane, a box of rain,
A ball and chain, a house in Maine, some rock cocaine, a small airplane.
Some aged champagne, the nation Ukraine, a whole wolf's bane, and no chest pain.
A big freight train, a cool great dane, a sales campaign, a splenic vein.
I want a...(Big deep breath)
Pretty sock, a set of chalk, a red padlock, a 9 inch glock.
Some cool dreadlocks, no more Bangkok, a lady's smock, a yellow dock.
A water clock, a cocaine rock, a nice hip walk, a cinder block.
An igneous rock, some hassebrock, an electric shock, and Johann Sebastian Bach.
I want a...(Big deep breath)
Piece of cheese,
(Another Voice) Next.
Hey there santa, whatcha think you're doing? I'm not close to done.
I've still got 3700 things to make my Christmas fun.
(Another voice) Get outta here you lousy kid, you're nothing but a freak,
Just close your eyes, go in the bath, and don't leave for a week.
So that's the story of how I found out Santa was a no-go.
He hates kids, he hates his job, was just in it for the dough.
So next time you are at a mall, just ask your little sons.
How can Santa Clause be at two different malls at once.

Bravo, Mr. Etch-A-Sketch. Bravo.
Well there you have it. Another wacky edition of the Jared. Hope you enjoyed. Come back next week when we will all be made of bread.

-The JaredMeister

Michigan Waffles

2003-12-01T04:01:17Z

Hello Boys and Girls. I was having a hankering to jot down some stuff on a public journal where everyone could see what I was thinking! And luckily, a man in a suit broke into my house just at that second and demanded me to start a live journal! How great! He did steal my telivision and kill my cat, but oh well! Livejournal!

Well, I've never really read anyone's live journal before, except maybe once, so I'm gonna wing it on what to put.

Well I am a very person. I don't do much. Ever. That's right. That was a threat. These last few weeks, or months, or however long I've been alive, have been pretty good. Not much special. I have friends, I have foes, I have had spaghetti before. It is quite good. But little do you know I am made of iron and will soon be a tyrannical ruler of all that is holy! Hip Skot!

Oh dear, forgive me.

Hey do you know when you wake up, and you're having a great morning, and you go go make some toast, and you get the toaster ready, and you pull the loaf of bread out, and it has that little twisty tie on it, so you think it needs to be turned one way, so you turn it that way until you realize that it was the wrong way, then you have to turn it ALL the way back, and once you've finished you have wasted that much of your day. I HATE THAT.

Well as the first entry, I'm going to write a little song about captain crunch.

Buenos Dias, Me llamos Pablo,
Es Muy Frijole en es Cantablo.
Why is my alarm always set on the Spanish Station?
Why must I wake into a world of such frustration.
I guess I ate too much last night,
Cause my stomach feels like carbonite,
And I can't feel my arm, cause I slept on it,
And during my sleep my house was robbed by Bob Saget.
My morning is hell almost every day,
Until I finally arrive in the kitchen and pray,
I pray that my beloved food isn't all gone,
Eaten by a giant cereal eating praying mantis named John.

He ain't a general, no he's not a private, heck nah he ain't a lieutenant,
No he's a captain, a super cool captain, yeah he comes straight out of heaven.
Oh Captain Crunch, doo do doo doo, Oh Captain Crunch.
Oh Captain Crunch, doo do doo doo, Oh Captain Crunch.

I get an industrial sized bowl and I fill it to the brim,
And I pour a couple gallons of milk right in.
Then I find a spoon that's just the right size,
And I start my cereal eating demise.
You can't stop me, no you can not.
Once I get started on my cereal, I'm just a big hot shot.
Gerald the Mexican Jumping Bean, oh he strikes once more.
Here to foil my plans of eating this box right to the core.
Peanut butter, crunch berry, it's all the same.
I love it all so much I think I'm going insane.
One more bowl, just one more bowl, just one!
Captain crunch I love you, you are my honey bun.

He ain't a general, no he's not a private, heck nah he ain't a lieutenant,
No he's a captain, a super cool captain, yeah he comes straight out of heaven.
Oh Captain Crunch, doo do doo doo, Oh Captain Crunch.
Oh Captain Crunch, doo do doo doo, Oh Captain Crunch.

He ain't a general, no he's not a private, heck nah he ain't a lieutenant,
No he's a captain, a super cool captain, yeah he comes straight out of heaven.
Oh Captain Crunch, doo do doo doo, Oh Captain Crunch.
Oh Captain Crunch, doo do doo doo, Oh Captain Crunch.

So there ya go. The wild and wacky world of Jared! Hope you're satisfied, you sick animal.